I have attempted to write this for a few weeks. Each time I ended up with a very random, poorly written, and confusing mess, that were my thoughts. I needed some more time to process everything happening in my life. Enough time has passed, so here is an update.

A few weeks ago it was decided that Jaime and I would not be able to adopt a 13 year old that we had grown to know and love. I have a special place in my heart for him, he is the son that I had hoped to bring into my family. That won’t be happening now, and I truly feel a deep loss. A loss that not even Jaime understands. I feel like I have lost a son. A son that I never had, at least in any legal sense.

The same day that this decision was made, Jaime began having contractions during dinner which took us to a very unscheduled trip to OB Triage. The contractions were confirmed and it was a scary few hours. I didn’t even have time to process the loss from earlier in the day and I was already tossing around all of the various scenarios of a son that could be born 3 months early. They were able to get Jaime’s contractions to stop and gave us the green light that we could go home near midnight. It was a real relief. But by this time I was so exhausted that all I could think about was going to sleep.

At 6:00am Jaime woke me up and said the contractions were back. So, I jumped up and got us down to the hospital once again. They ran a few more tests that they had not done the night before, and after a few hours we were once again able to go home. We came home and got some more rest and then the phone rang. We were asked to bring the young man that we were to adopt things back to the group home where he was staying. I offered to bring the items back the following morning but they were insistent that they be returned that evening, and if we didn’t bring them over, that they would need to come and get them. And under the later scenario we would not even be able to see him to say goodbye.

So, we packed up his things and drove them over to him. It was a very difficult drive for me. It almost seemed like a dream. Like somehow I would wake up and learn that this wasn’t actually happening. But waking up never happened, we arrived. This was really happening.

He seemed to be doing well when we saw him. He helped unpack his things from our car and we hung around for a little while. When it was time for us to go I couldn’t find any real words to say. I just told him that this is not how we thought that this would happen, and I cried and hugged him.

It was over. The adoption had officially fallen apart.

I have been feeling so conflicted lately. Saddened by the loss of an adopted son, yet excited about the arrival of a biological son to be born by November 25th. It is a difficult emotional teeter-totter that I find myself in. I am now finding a balance and am able to talk about all of this, and think about it without fighting off tears. Due to this I really haven’t talked much about any of it, not even to most of my close friends. And honestly not a whole lot with Jaime. I have pulled in and have been guarded, knowing that if I opened up I would crumble. Time has made me stronger and, that is why I am able to write this tonight.